Even if I don’t get in, I like the application letter I submitted:

Dear Madam or Sir;

 

As I was purchasing some new running shoes at my new favorite running store (Lesson 1 – never buy new shoes before your first 1/2 Marathon), I saw your letter for this training opportunity.

 

I recently ran my first  half-marathon during the 19th Walt Disney World Marathon Weekend. I never expected to even want to participant in a running event, much less actually do it. But with a lot of help, and some encouragement from my brother (a long time follower of Jeff) I did.

 

I am 44 years old,and for at least 40 of those years I have always been obese.  As a child, this not only caused me considerable taunting, but also kept me from participating in most any physical activity.  My parents did the best  , and I love them for that, but they never really learned about proper fitness and exercise, and, being from the deep south, our diet consisted of more fried foods that fresh vegetables.

 

Consequently, I grew up without proper knowledge of fitness or nutrition and I carried this with me throughout my adult life.  I became depressed and isolated. And that eventually led to a drinking problem as well – which, of course, only fueled the weight issue and depression.

 

I cannot tell you how many weight loss programs I tried – Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, some tailored fitness programs offered by my employer.  Obviously, these programs work for many people, but not for me.

 

A little over a year ago, things came to a head and I decided to take some pretty drastic measures.Things were not going to change if I didn’t change.

 

My weight was just under 300 pounds and I was wearing a size 44 or 46.

I consulted a surgeon for gastric bypass surgery and had the procedure within a few weeks. I didn’t see results immediately – and I still had not dealt with the depression and, what was by now, alcoholism.

 

One day I woke up and decided I needed to do something about that too.  I spent a little over a month in a rehab facility.

 

As I sobered up and became more aware of myself, I also started losing weight.  Each week I would like who I was seeing in the mirror a little bit more than the last. Not just because of the changes I could see, but the changes I could feel as well. I could start incorporating regular exercise, including running, into my daily routine.

 

I’m now at just under 200 pounds. My waist size is33″. I love to do math these days so: that’s 105 pounds lost and 13″off my waist. I didn’t ever wear that size in high school.

 

And it’s not all about the mirror either.  I can do things I’ve never thought I could do.  Like run a 1/2 marathon.  Go to the gym and actually enjoy it.  Sprint after my dog in the park.

 

There’s still things I don’t like physically about my body – when you loss that much weight there are issues you have to deal with.  And I’m not going to set any records in a marathon or road race.  And I’ll probably never have six-pack abs.

 

But, it’s not all about the appearance. 

 

I am so grateful that I can do the things I can do today, and I that I’m so much different than the person I was a little more than a year ago.

You ask why do I want to run or train…  After I finished that 1/2 marathon, I didn’t think I would ever want to do that again.  But I want to because I can. I watched Jeff cross the finish line with his wife in the full marathon, and I was inspired. I watched on my course as people who had only one leg or no legs at all ran past me.  And I was inspired. 

I want to run because I can run.  Because I am so grateful for where I am today.

 

And if there is someone else out there who is struggling with a weight, or an addiction problem, I want them to know that it can get better.  Beyond all my expectations, I’m proof of that.

 

Thanks for your consideration.

I kept waiting for my runners high to kick in, but it never happened.

This wasn’t really on my bucket list, but it was a lot of fun.

Among a lot of other random things I dreamt last night (including being at school and at work in my underwear) I went home early and started drinking, assured that no one would know.  As I surreptitiously snuck the half empty bottle of wine out of the refrigerator (an old one at that – like one that had been left out overnight and then re-chilled – almost no alcohol in it, just the nauseating taste of bad grape juice), I was caught with a few glances and headed to the bathroom.

Know they (I think it was Mom and Dad) saw me and would come looking for my used bottle, I opened the toilet tank and stashed it there.

Now – to be clear – I never did that. But I guess with almost a year of nothing but drinking dreams, my subconscious is running out of places to hide the bottles.

I heard once that we should just “enjoy” drinking dreams – that they are “freebies.” But my dreams have no enjoyment in them at all.  In fact there is never, ever, any actual drinking. They all being with me coming out of a blackout, or waking up and realizing that I’ve once again blown my sobriety. And then I have to get more alcohol, or start to hide it.

So even though I can’t enjoy them, I can be extremely grateful for them. This one alone made me remember:

• the demoralization of coming out of another blackout or “waking up;”
• the horrible taste and smell of old, long opened wine I used to guzzle just because I could “waste” it by pouring it out (like any normal person would do)
• the shame and guilt and sneaking around – the lies and the powerlessness over that.

Thank you HP, friends, family and program that I don’t have to go through that ever again.

I guess I’ve been inspired by Dog Poet.

Or maybe it’s just something new.

I woke up this morning from a really screwed up dream and thought that I should capture at a least what the dream made me feel. And then I realized, since I’m a pretty poor journaler, I didn’t have any place to capture it. Then, remembering Michael’s post, I thought – I really don’t have anything to hide from the world, so why not put it on a blog?
I’m not expecting this to be read by anyone – it’s really just for me. But if someone finds it, I’m not trying to hide it.

Someone in a meeting said you should live your life as if every action that you are doing is being posted on a billboard. So this is my billboard (and is probably more than what my Facebook friends want to see from me – hence, here instead of there)

So – onto 2012 and the first posting…